History Repeating Itself

[notthatcrazy]

It's been a few weeks since their respite in Mumbai, and Face's leg has healed up just fine. He's up to his old tricks tonight, conning information from the campaign manager for the corrupt politician they're investigating. Murdock's got the responsibility of meeting him at the rendezvous point.

"You look like that went well," he observes dryly as Face slides into the passenger seat.

Comments

[notjustaface]

"What? It's kind of a big deal, man... that's a hell of a test."

He squeezes tighter against him, letting out a shallow sigh. "All right man, if it makes you feel better I'll shut up."

[notthatcrazy]

He manages a small smile.

"You've come a long way."

[notjustaface]

"Damn right I have..." he smiles a little wider, nosing against him.

"Five years ago... man..."

The arm wrapped around him squeezes tight; "But now I've got a hell of a lot better to come back for."

[notthatcrazy]

He sighs.

"I like the coming back part. It just bothers me a little when you talk about it."

[notjustaface]

"What am I supposed to tell you?" He asks quietly, unsure of exactly what he's supposed to say at all.

"Maybe I just shouldn't say anything at all."

[notthatcrazy]

He sighs again. "I get why you're proud... you did your job, you made the right choice... I guess the possibility still scares me."

He kisses his collarbone, near where he's resting his head.

"I'm sorry."

[notjustaface]

And what Murdock's thinking scares him just as bad.

"You still think I'd do it, I get it..." he mutters, rolling onto his back and closing his eyes - forcing himself to try and calm down.

[notthatcrazy]

He whimpers softly as he pulls away.

"It's not just that."

He curls up beside him, his posture very much drawn in on himself.

"It reminds me you could have anyone you want, and you chose me... sometimes I forget why."

[notjustaface]

Not just. Of course, not just.

He sighs and closes his eyes, clasping his hands over his stomach.

"Do you want to know why? Do you really want to know?"

[notthatcrazy]

He can't honestly say he's never worried about it, in the back of his mind. Hard-learned lessons about trust aren't easily lost.

"It might help."

He rests a hand on Face's shoulder, not quite ready to hold him but wanting that contact.

[notjustaface]

Staring up at the ceiling, he manages the most honest thing he's ever said - to anyone, even himself.

"You stayed. You didn't leave when you had a thousand reasons to and all the time in the world."

He closes his eyes, letting out a loud breath. "You have more faith in me than I have in myself."

[notthatcrazy]

He's relaxed a little, his body uncurling as he gently kisses the Ranger ink on Face's bicep.

"I know you don't really get the choice to flirt or not... 's part if the job, like it or not. But do you get why bothers me to hear about it?"

[notjustaface]

The kiss settles him a little, but not much.

"It's what I do, Murdock..." he sighs; "You know that... I just... I want to be honest with you, okay? And if I can't tell you that some guy tried to ride me like a cheap trick and I went against every old part of my brain that told me it was a good idea and walked away... what am I supposed to say?"

[notthatcrazy]

"Maybe but mentioning it three or four times when we're in bed together would be a start."

He closes his eyes tight.

"I know you mean well and I hate that I'm like this, but you chose me and my crazy and we're stuck with each other now."

He reaches out to wrap an arm around him.

"Which is a good thing. But it gets complicated."

[notjustaface]

It's a cold thing to do, and he'll regret it in the morning, but he doesn't respond to the purposeful touch. He closes his eyes as tight as he can - until he can see stars - trying to block out the frustration because he's not mad at Murdock and he's not mad at the crazy.

He's just frustrated. And it's more than he can deal with sometimes, always feel like he's the bad guy... always being the one that fucks up.

"Yeah," he says quietly , squaring his jaw. "I get that. I'm sorry I brought it up."

[notthatcrazy]

After a moment he withdraws, curling up at the side of the bed.

"I'm sorry," he says quietly.

[notjustaface]

And now it's his turn to suck it up and deal with it because he refuses to let Murdock be upset over something stupid he did.

"Don't be..." Face sighs, rolling toward him and curling against his back - wrapping an arm around him that he couldn't get away from if he dare tried. "I was stupid, okay? I'm sorry I fucked up again."

[notthatcrazy]

"You didn't mean to."

He just doesn't think sometimes, especially when parts below the waist take over

[notjustaface]

"Yeah, well... it doesn't really matter, does it? I wasn't thinking straight."

And he means it, he wasn't thinking... he was just... distracted.

"Sometimes I forget how sensitive you are."

[notthatcrazy]

He wears his emotions on his sleeve, and he always has. Even the Army couldn't squash his open-hearted nature.

"I wish I could change it, but I can't."

[notjustaface]

"I know," he murmurs quietly, pressing a kiss against Murdock's bare back.

"You're not the only one that wishes they could change."

[notthatcrazy]

He shakes his head.

"You don't deserve that, not when you're doin' better."

[notjustaface]

"Hah... better..." he sighs, shaking his head against Murdock's shoulder.

"You've devoted your life to flying - to knowing everything there is to know about flying anything with wings. Now imagine how hard it would be if it would hurt me if you flew anything bigger than a kite?" It makes sense to him, so he rolls with it.

"You'd want more than anything to do what made me happy, but that doesn't mean flying wouldn't still be an instinct." His voice drops to a whisper, hoping like hell Murdock gets the analogy; "Now imagine you had to work at an airfield. That's my life, Murdock. I can't do what I've always done because it'll mean I lose the only thing I need more in my life."

[notthatcrazy]

He does understand, or at least he's starting to. He doesn't know what to say, nestling back into his arms as he tries to wordlessly assure him that he's not going anywhere.

[notjustaface]

"Believe me," he mutters under his breath, closing his eyes; "you're not the only one that wishes they could change."

The only difference is, if Murdock fucks up he can blame something he has no control over. When he does, it's because he made a bad decision that he can't take back... which makes it twice as bad.