notthatcrazy | History Repeating Itself

It's been a few weeks since their respite in Mumbai, and Face's leg has healed up just fine. He's up to his old tricks tonight, conning information from the campaign manager for the corrupt politician they're investigating. Murdock's got the responsibility of meeting him at the rendezvous point.

"You look like that went well," he observes dryly as Face slides into the passenger seat.

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From:

notthatcrazy

He whimpers softly as he pulls away.

"It's not just that."

He curls up beside him, his posture very much drawn in on himself.

"It reminds me you could have anyone you want, and you chose me... sometimes I forget why."

From:

notjustaface

Not just. Of course, not just.

He sighs and closes his eyes, clasping his hands over his stomach.

"Do you want to know why? Do you really want to know?"

From:

notthatcrazy

He can't honestly say he's never worried about it, in the back of his mind. Hard-learned lessons about trust aren't easily lost.

"It might help."

He rests a hand on Face's shoulder, not quite ready to hold him but wanting that contact.

From:

notjustaface

Staring up at the ceiling, he manages the most honest thing he's ever said - to anyone, even himself.

"You stayed. You didn't leave when you had a thousand reasons to and all the time in the world."

He closes his eyes, letting out a loud breath. "You have more faith in me than I have in myself."

From:

notthatcrazy

He's relaxed a little, his body uncurling as he gently kisses the Ranger ink on Face's bicep.

"I know you don't really get the choice to flirt or not... 's part if the job, like it or not. But do you get why bothers me to hear about it?"

From:

notjustaface

The kiss settles him a little, but not much.

"It's what I do, Murdock..." he sighs; "You know that... I just... I want to be honest with you, okay? And if I can't tell you that some guy tried to ride me like a cheap trick and I went against every old part of my brain that told me it was a good idea and walked away... what am I supposed to say?"

From:

notthatcrazy

"Maybe but mentioning it three or four times when we're in bed together would be a start."

He closes his eyes tight.

"I know you mean well and I hate that I'm like this, but you chose me and my crazy and we're stuck with each other now."

He reaches out to wrap an arm around him.

"Which is a good thing. But it gets complicated."

Edited Date: 2013-07-21 06:44 am (UTC)

From:

notjustaface

It's a cold thing to do, and he'll regret it in the morning, but he doesn't respond to the purposeful touch. He closes his eyes as tight as he can - until he can see stars - trying to block out the frustration because he's not mad at Murdock and he's not mad at the crazy.

He's just frustrated. And it's more than he can deal with sometimes, always feel like he's the bad guy... always being the one that fucks up.

"Yeah," he says quietly , squaring his jaw. "I get that. I'm sorry I brought it up."

From:

notthatcrazy

After a moment he withdraws, curling up at the side of the bed.

"I'm sorry," he says quietly.

From:

notjustaface

And now it's his turn to suck it up and deal with it because he refuses to let Murdock be upset over something stupid he did.

"Don't be..." Face sighs, rolling toward him and curling against his back - wrapping an arm around him that he couldn't get away from if he dare tried. "I was stupid, okay? I'm sorry I fucked up again."

From:

notthatcrazy

"You didn't mean to."

He just doesn't think sometimes, especially when parts below the waist take over

From:

notjustaface

"Yeah, well... it doesn't really matter, does it? I wasn't thinking straight."

And he means it, he wasn't thinking... he was just... distracted.

"Sometimes I forget how sensitive you are."

From:

notthatcrazy

He wears his emotions on his sleeve, and he always has. Even the Army couldn't squash his open-hearted nature.

"I wish I could change it, but I can't."

From:

notjustaface

"I know," he murmurs quietly, pressing a kiss against Murdock's bare back.

"You're not the only one that wishes they could change."

From:

notthatcrazy

He shakes his head.

"You don't deserve that, not when you're doin' better."

From:

notjustaface

"Hah... better..." he sighs, shaking his head against Murdock's shoulder.

"You've devoted your life to flying - to knowing everything there is to know about flying anything with wings. Now imagine how hard it would be if it would hurt me if you flew anything bigger than a kite?" It makes sense to him, so he rolls with it.

"You'd want more than anything to do what made me happy, but that doesn't mean flying wouldn't still be an instinct." His voice drops to a whisper, hoping like hell Murdock gets the analogy; "Now imagine you had to work at an airfield. That's my life, Murdock. I can't do what I've always done because it'll mean I lose the only thing I need more in my life."

Edited Date: 2013-07-22 05:17 am (UTC)

From:

notthatcrazy

He does understand, or at least he's starting to. He doesn't know what to say, nestling back into his arms as he tries to wordlessly assure him that he's not going anywhere.

From:

notjustaface

"Believe me," he mutters under his breath, closing his eyes; "you're not the only one that wishes they could change."

The only difference is, if Murdock fucks up he can blame something he has no control over. When he does, it's because he made a bad decision that he can't take back... which makes it twice as bad.

From:

notthatcrazy

Except that he's had a lifetime of feeling unloved that led him to make those decisions. And he is changing, even if he doesn't think that's good enough.

"You know I think you have changed me?"

From:

notjustaface

Squeezing him a little tighter, Face shakes his head slightly.

"Some things we can't change, man. It's all right."

From:

notthatcrazy

"I know it doesn't show much sometimes but I think I'm more confident now."

He turns to face him, squirming slightly in his tight embrace as he runs a hand through his hair tenderly.

"That's you."

From:

notjustaface

He won't believe that, of course. It's the meds... or the job. Something that he doesn't influence because he can't see how he'd be responsible for that change.

Still, he brushes a kiss against the tip of Murdock's nose and murmurs; "Yeah? All right."

From:

notthatcrazy

"You've changed too. I know you don't believe it, but I see it every day."

He blinks back the sudden moisture in his eyes.

"And god knows I don't make it any easier on you, but I am proud of you."

From:

notjustaface

He knows he's changed, but he's had to work for it - he's had to learn to be a different person and that things he used to do easily can't work the same way anymore. But, he's learning to be better.

Face doesn't like the shine of tears in Murdock's eyes and brushes his lips against Murdock's cheek - kissing him gently before whispering; "You do what you need to do, babe. We all do what we gotta do."