Reminders

[notthatcrazy]

It's been several weeks since they, for lack of a better word, eloped, and while things have been good, he's still feeling strangely anxious. He's never really felt the need to hide, at least not from the team, but he's been uncharacteristically quiet.

He spots the stuffed cow on one of his thrift store crawls, which Face had declined to join him on. He stares at it for a good while, almost certain it's not really there, before he grabs it off the shelf and pays the meager fifty cent price for it.

When he gets back to the ramshackle rental house they've holed up in, he heads right to the bedroom without saying a word. When Face gets back from his own supply run, he's greeted by by Hannibal's stern look.

"You need to go talk to him."

Comments

[notthatcrazy]

To be honest it kind of terrifies him to think about it, knowing that his own mind is unpredictable at best.

"You don't have to lie for me."

Face may be an expert con man but Murdock knows his tells. (Most of them, anyway.)

"That's why I didn't say anything, 'cause I knew you'd feel bad and none of it's your fault."

It's just another thing on the long list of shit that life's thrown in their way. He doesn't want to say so, but he's not sure how much more they can endure.

[notjustaface]

It's not so much being caught in the lie that frustrates him, it was anyone else he'd just keep denying it, but it was that it was something he knew cut his partner deep. For all he knows, it is his fault. Everything could be his fault.

"Come on, let me pour you a bowl." He mutters the distraction, grabbing the box off the nightstand without a second thought.

Deny, distract, and when nothing else works self-destruct.

[notthatcrazy]

It hurts in more than one way, because he knows Face carries a lot of guilt around with him and only some of it is justified. He hates seeing that 'I fucked up again' look on his face and knowing it's there because of him.

He accepts the cereal, allowing the diversion however briefly.

"I'm okay with how things are now, y'know? We're still good. I just miss how they were."

His eyes stray to the ring on his partner's finger as he remembers picking it out. It was a good memory, but he can't help thinking of his own rings. They don't match anymore.

[notjustaface]

And like clock-work, it's a cue to self-destruction if he's ever seen one.

"I'm sorry, okay?" He shouts as softly as he can, leaning back against the headboard with his arms crossed over his chest. "I can't fix it. I know I'm broken and everything's not ok but this is what I have to work with."

He doesn't mean to to be angry, or hurtful, but knows full and well that he is. It's frustrating enough when he can pretend, having it out and knowing that things aren't going to get better and talking about it just brings out his inner asshole.

[notthatcrazy]

He takes a deep breath, avoiding Face's eyes as he tries unsuccessfully to keep his voice steady.

"I know, okay? And I'm sorry I'm having such a hard time with it, but I can't help how I feel."

It actually helps a little to get it off his chest, but Face's typical defensiveness is only making it harder.

[notjustaface]

Face knows it isn't helping, but doesn't know what will. Instead, he lifts a hand off his chest and chews a hangnail - letting the silence settle for a long moment.

Eventually, he says; "Tell me what you want from me, man. You know I'd do anything to fix this and make it better for us."

[notthatcrazy]

There's a small part of him - the part he's spent a lifetime trying not to believe - that feels like things are never going to be okay and life is just going to keep beating them until they break. When do the good memories stop being shadowed by sadness? When do they get to just be happy?

"I was thinking maybe I could write it down," he offers quietly. "That way you could read it if you wanted to, and we'd have something... You know. In case."

It's not a perfect solution - he's only got his own perspective to go on, and he's not actually sure how comfortable Face would be with having a written record of their relationship - but at least it's something.

[notjustaface]

He wants to ask why it matters so much, why they can't just keep on rolling on to the next thing... the past is done. But, he knows Murdock... and he knows that it does matter and that's all that it really takes.

"Sure," he shrugs, wiping the wet edge of his nail against his shirt with a barely audible sigh. "If that'll make you happy, I'm in." Not that he'd read it, some things were better left buried... including things that he should remember but doesn't.

[notthatcrazy]

He reaches out, trying to find Face's hand. He's still not looking him in the eye.

"Would you ever read it?"

He's fully expecting the answer to be no, but it would kind of help him if he did.

[notjustaface]

It's easier to reach back out to him, loosely taking Murdock's fingers in his palm. The closest thing he can give to an honest answer is; "I'll try."

And he does mean it, he thinks, he'd at least skim through to try and piece together some of the things he sometimes dreams about that may or may not be real.

[notthatcrazy]

He's a bit too tired and emotionally worn out to try and decipher just how honest that answer is, so he takes it at face value for the moment. At least it's enough to give him back a little hope.

"Okay."

He sets the mostly empty cereal bowl aside, the remainder of its contents now turned to mush, and leans back against Face.

"Love you. You know that, right?"

[notjustaface]

He never really doubted that, not after everything was made clear to him at least... he didn't really know if he did before. It seemed like the kind of thing he would do.

Slowly, Face nods and closes his eyes. His hand squeezes tighter around Murdock's fingers and he murmurs; "Yeah, I know. You know, no matter what..." And he can't bring himself to finish the sentence, not that it isn't true.

[notthatcrazy]

"Hmm?" He can sense there was more to that thought, but he presses a kiss to Face's cheek to let him know it's okay. Briefly moving away from his side, he retrieves Brownie II from the end of the bed.

It's funny how much of their history is wrapped up in a relatively small collection of plush toys. They've all got memories and milestones attached.

[notjustaface]

"You know." He answers with another half-shrug, leaning into the kiss but not surprised when Murdock pulls his hand away and fetches the toy. That word... it's such a sticky word, and he wonders if it was so hard for him to say that he loves the man before... he's pretty sure it was.

"We're making new memories now."

[notthatcrazy]

Considering how it took a six-month stint behind bars for him to say it the first time... pretty much, yeah.

"I'm glad I can talk to you about this. I just wish you didn't feel like you have to fix everything."

It's all tied into the whole guilt thing, he knows, but sometimes shit happens and they cope with it as best they can.

[notjustaface]

"It's what I do," he answers without even thinking about it; "it's what we do, man. We fix things."

He's used to always having the answers, even when that answer is a blatant lie... and it feels wrong to let himself even think about things that he can't have an answer for.

[notthatcrazy]

"I know."

He sighs, discretely wiping the moisture from his eyes.

"But sometimes you can't, and it doesn't mean you failed."

He's tired of the seriousness. He'd rather be talking about what's in the works for their next job, or whether Lucky Charms with extra marshmallows counts as dinner. But... this is what they've got to work with

[notjustaface]

It doesn't take much to know that he's pushed it too far, no matter how much he tries to convince himself that Murdock brought it on himself by pushing that button.

"Yeah," he says softly; "It kind of does."

[notthatcrazy]

"It's just how things work. Sometimes there's nothing you can do."

It's a far cry from his usual generally optimistic demeanor. He lapses back into silence, staring at the toy in his hand. All this over a stuffed cow.

... But of course, it's not really about that at all. He doesn't know why he can't just let things be.

[notjustaface]

"You're right," he shrugs, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. "At least you'll put up with me even though I'm broken."

He means it as a positive thing, really.

[notthatcrazy]

He sighs. "I was just thinking the same thing about you."

They're both a little broken, and most of the time he thinks that's okay. The rest of the time it just kind of hangs over him like a rain cloud.

[notjustaface]

"Yeah, but yours isn't because of anything you could have handled." He closes his eyes again, letting out a low sigh.

"C'mere, baby. Let's just cope with this, okay?"

[notthatcrazy]

They've had variations of this discussion a lot over the years, and they've never really resolved the issue. Probably never would, despite his best efforts. He scoots over and wraps his arms around his partner.

"We're gonna be okay."

The dark clouds are beginning to lift, if only for a moment, and he can let himself believe what he knows to be true.

[notjustaface]

"Yeah," he whispers, hanging an arm around Murdock's shoulders and pulling him in closer. He doesn't really believe it himself, but he doesn't have to.

"Wanna go see a movie or something? Go clear the air a bit?"

[notthatcrazy]

It's just another one of the things Murdock's holding onto for the both of them. Right now, he can deal with that.

"Hmm. I dunno. Kinda just wanna stay here with you."