Reminders

[notthatcrazy]

It's been several weeks since they, for lack of a better word, eloped, and while things have been good, he's still feeling strangely anxious. He's never really felt the need to hide, at least not from the team, but he's been uncharacteristically quiet.

He spots the stuffed cow on one of his thrift store crawls, which Face had declined to join him on. He stares at it for a good while, almost certain it's not really there, before he grabs it off the shelf and pays the meager fifty cent price for it.

When he gets back to the ramshackle rental house they've holed up in, he heads right to the bedroom without saying a word. When Face gets back from his own supply run, he's greeted by by Hannibal's stern look.

"You need to go talk to him."

Comments

[notthatcrazy]

Considering how it took a six-month stint behind bars for him to say it the first time... pretty much, yeah.

"I'm glad I can talk to you about this. I just wish you didn't feel like you have to fix everything."

It's all tied into the whole guilt thing, he knows, but sometimes shit happens and they cope with it as best they can.

[notjustaface]

"It's what I do," he answers without even thinking about it; "it's what we do, man. We fix things."

He's used to always having the answers, even when that answer is a blatant lie... and it feels wrong to let himself even think about things that he can't have an answer for.

[notthatcrazy]

"I know."

He sighs, discretely wiping the moisture from his eyes.

"But sometimes you can't, and it doesn't mean you failed."

He's tired of the seriousness. He'd rather be talking about what's in the works for their next job, or whether Lucky Charms with extra marshmallows counts as dinner. But... this is what they've got to work with

[notjustaface]

It doesn't take much to know that he's pushed it too far, no matter how much he tries to convince himself that Murdock brought it on himself by pushing that button.

"Yeah," he says softly; "It kind of does."

[notthatcrazy]

"It's just how things work. Sometimes there's nothing you can do."

It's a far cry from his usual generally optimistic demeanor. He lapses back into silence, staring at the toy in his hand. All this over a stuffed cow.

... But of course, it's not really about that at all. He doesn't know why he can't just let things be.

[notjustaface]

"You're right," he shrugs, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. "At least you'll put up with me even though I'm broken."

He means it as a positive thing, really.

[notthatcrazy]

He sighs. "I was just thinking the same thing about you."

They're both a little broken, and most of the time he thinks that's okay. The rest of the time it just kind of hangs over him like a rain cloud.

[notjustaface]

"Yeah, but yours isn't because of anything you could have handled." He closes his eyes again, letting out a low sigh.

"C'mere, baby. Let's just cope with this, okay?"

[notthatcrazy]

They've had variations of this discussion a lot over the years, and they've never really resolved the issue. Probably never would, despite his best efforts. He scoots over and wraps his arms around his partner.

"We're gonna be okay."

The dark clouds are beginning to lift, if only for a moment, and he can let himself believe what he knows to be true.

[notjustaface]

"Yeah," he whispers, hanging an arm around Murdock's shoulders and pulling him in closer. He doesn't really believe it himself, but he doesn't have to.

"Wanna go see a movie or something? Go clear the air a bit?"

[notthatcrazy]

It's just another one of the things Murdock's holding onto for the both of them. Right now, he can deal with that.

"Hmm. I dunno. Kinda just wanna stay here with you."

[notjustaface]

"Mmmmm," Face groans low in his chest, squeezing him tight. "You know how that usually ends up."

One or both of them naked, fluids of some sort usually involved.

[notthatcrazy]

He's sure that'll happen soon enough, but right now he just wants to be held. He rests his head on Face's shoulder briefly, listing to the low sound.

"Are we that predictable?"

[notjustaface]

"Predictable? I don't know what unit you've been in..."

He laughs, but it's not with much humor. "Just saying, old habits die hard... and it has been a couple days."

[notthatcrazy]

He rolls his eyes a little, bit it's meant affectionately.

"Can we stay like this a while first?"

He knows Face isn't entirely at ease with the whole cuddling thing, but he really could use some extra comfort.

[notjustaface]

Face is very familiar with that look, and appreciates it just as much as a non-eyeroll affection.

"Sure," he squeezes Murdock just a little tighter, leaning down to brush a kiss on his forehead; "Anything you want."

[notthatcrazy]

He moves in to kiss him back, letting it linger a while.

"I love you."

It just feels right to say it again. He's starting to feel better, so it's surprising even to him when the tears start again. Knowing from experience that it's useless to try and stop them, he rides it out, leaning on Face for support.

"Sorry." He manages a somewhat unsteady smile. "Been holding that back for a while. Had to get out sometime."

[notjustaface]

The kiss is warm, familiar, and exactly what Face needs to set him just a little more at ease. Even through Murdock's tears, he lets his fingers stroke away the wetness before answering; "It's okay."

He knows that Murdock needs it, he's not a man to let go like that with no reason at all. "I'm here."

[notthatcrazy]

It helps quite a bit for him to hear that. The person Face was at the start of their relationship would have tried like hell to avoid situations like these.

"I know."

He's not quite okay yet, but he's a lot closer than he was an hour ago. He gets himself under control, wiping his face on his shirt as he sits up.

"Are you okay?"

He wants to know how he's feeling. The question is if he's willing to talk about it.

[notjustaface]

Part of him wants to crawl out of his skin when it gets heavy, it's definitely better than talking about it, but after a few failures he knows that he's in for the long haul like it or not.

Talking about his own feelings was something else entirely, any more he didn't even like to think about how he felt.

"I'm fine," he shrugged; "You know."

[notthatcrazy]

"Kinda figured you wouldn't wanna talk about it."

They know each other, as well as anyone can in their circumstances.

"But I'm here if you ever do."

Feeling somewhat peaceful for the first time in recent memory, he closes his eyes for a few moments. It's pretty clear he's not slept well for the past few days.

"We're okay."

[notjustaface]

"There's nothing to talk about," he answers reflexively. "I'm okay, really. We are okay."

His fingers find his way to Murdock's mussed hair, stroking tenderly before giving a playful tug. "Of course we're okay. We always are."

[notthatcrazy]

"Except when we're not."

He says it in a lighthearted tone, but really... when it's true, it's true.

He leans into Face's touch, sighing. "I'm too tired to push this any further, but think about it, okay? It doesn't help keeping everything inside."

Not that he expects him to believe it after spending most of his life doing just that.

He takes the hand that isn't petting his hair and holds it tight, trying to let him know without speaking that however they're doing individually, their relationship is still going strong.

[notjustaface]

Those times are hard to wrap his mind around, like that void of memory that he can't really bring himself to deal with.

"Yeah," he murmurs, his strokes slowing to a tender caress. "I'll think about it."

His fingers curl, squeezing hard with the heat of a sigh. "It'll be fine."

[notthatcrazy]

He curls up even closer to him, if that's possible. It's still pretty early in the day, but the cloud of depression hasn't fully left him yet.

It's better, though. By far.

"I just hope you really believe that."