History Repeating Itself

[notthatcrazy]

It's been a few weeks since their respite in Mumbai, and Face's leg has healed up just fine. He's up to his old tricks tonight, conning information from the campaign manager for the corrupt politician they're investigating. Murdock's got the responsibility of meeting him at the rendezvous point.

"You look like that went well," he observes dryly as Face slides into the passenger seat.

Comments

[notjustaface]

"Yeah, well... it doesn't really matter, does it? I wasn't thinking straight."

And he means it, he wasn't thinking... he was just... distracted.

"Sometimes I forget how sensitive you are."

[notthatcrazy]

He wears his emotions on his sleeve, and he always has. Even the Army couldn't squash his open-hearted nature.

"I wish I could change it, but I can't."

[notjustaface]

"I know," he murmurs quietly, pressing a kiss against Murdock's bare back.

"You're not the only one that wishes they could change."

[notthatcrazy]

He shakes his head.

"You don't deserve that, not when you're doin' better."

[notjustaface]

"Hah... better..." he sighs, shaking his head against Murdock's shoulder.

"You've devoted your life to flying - to knowing everything there is to know about flying anything with wings. Now imagine how hard it would be if it would hurt me if you flew anything bigger than a kite?" It makes sense to him, so he rolls with it.

"You'd want more than anything to do what made me happy, but that doesn't mean flying wouldn't still be an instinct." His voice drops to a whisper, hoping like hell Murdock gets the analogy; "Now imagine you had to work at an airfield. That's my life, Murdock. I can't do what I've always done because it'll mean I lose the only thing I need more in my life."

[notthatcrazy]

He does understand, or at least he's starting to. He doesn't know what to say, nestling back into his arms as he tries to wordlessly assure him that he's not going anywhere.

[notjustaface]

"Believe me," he mutters under his breath, closing his eyes; "you're not the only one that wishes they could change."

The only difference is, if Murdock fucks up he can blame something he has no control over. When he does, it's because he made a bad decision that he can't take back... which makes it twice as bad.

[notthatcrazy]

Except that he's had a lifetime of feeling unloved that led him to make those decisions. And he is changing, even if he doesn't think that's good enough.

"You know I think you have changed me?"

[notjustaface]

Squeezing him a little tighter, Face shakes his head slightly.

"Some things we can't change, man. It's all right."

[notthatcrazy]

"I know it doesn't show much sometimes but I think I'm more confident now."

He turns to face him, squirming slightly in his tight embrace as he runs a hand through his hair tenderly.

"That's you."

[notjustaface]

He won't believe that, of course. It's the meds... or the job. Something that he doesn't influence because he can't see how he'd be responsible for that change.

Still, he brushes a kiss against the tip of Murdock's nose and murmurs; "Yeah? All right."

[notthatcrazy]

"You've changed too. I know you don't believe it, but I see it every day."

He blinks back the sudden moisture in his eyes.

"And god knows I don't make it any easier on you, but I am proud of you."

[notjustaface]

He knows he's changed, but he's had to work for it - he's had to learn to be a different person and that things he used to do easily can't work the same way anymore. But, he's learning to be better.

Face doesn't like the shine of tears in Murdock's eyes and brushes his lips against Murdock's cheek - kissing him gently before whispering; "You do what you need to do, babe. We all do what we gotta do."

[notthatcrazy]

He accepts the comfort, returning it with a kiss of his own as he wraps his arms around him.

"I know you're trying. That's all we can do, right?"

[notjustaface]

"Yup..." he sighs, letting his forehead rest against his partner's.

"And I'll try to learn when to keep my mouth shut."

[notthatcrazy]

"Fair enough."

Curled up together, resting with their heads touching, this is the only place he wants to be.

"I'll try not to let things bother me so much."

It's not always something he can control, but he wants to try if he can.

[notjustaface]

"You can't control that, man... maybe just tell me before I'm halfway to getting off?"

He laughs, the bitterness absent from his voice.

[notthatcrazy]

He laughs softly, a blush coloring his cheeks.

"Yeah... Sorry about that."

[notjustaface]

Face brushes another soft kiss against his cheeks. "Hey, it happens... and if it helps any I'm mostly fine now."

He'll need a cold shower and maybe some alone time, but he's fine.

[notthatcrazy]

He loosens his grip on him a little, sleep slowly catching up to him.

"I love you."

[notjustaface]

"You too..." he murmurs, kissing him again before he could drift off.

There'd be time for other things, for the moment he's content to hold Murdock and nuzzle against his stubbled cheek until he falls asleep.

"So much."