notthatcrazy | Playing House: Settling In

Playing House: Settling In

After the first few days of freedom, life settles down into some kind of rhythm. They've been in touch with the team (mostly variations on 'We're okay, hope you are too.') and Face has been out looking for ways to supplement their cash supply, which has left Murdock at something of a loose end.

He hasn't been sleeping well the past couple of nights, and tonight looks to be no different. It's not long after he drifts off that the nightmares start. They come in a confusing mish-mash of jumbled images, but the overarching theme is always the same.

Boss, it's Face... he's hurt bad...

Don't leave me, baby... I need you...

He wakes with a start, his arm thrown across his partner's chest, and grabs hold of him tightly, taking deep, frantic breaths.

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"Dunno, man..." He sighs, nuzzling against him. "Always gotta be something."

With another fond squeeze, Face rests his chin against Murdock's head.

It's not fair, not to either of them.

"Sorry to wake you."

"Hey... No big deal." He offers a bleary smile in the tiny glow of a Kermit nightlight.

"We can sleep in."

"Yeah..."

He sighs again, resting his head on Face's chest.

"Can I talk to you about somethin'?"

Stroking his sleep-snarled curls is second nature and Face combs them out with his fingers as they relax.

"You bet, anything you want."

It's a simple little gesture that's somehow extremely comforting.

"I'm kinda worried."

He taps his own temple. "'Bout what's goin' on in here."

The subtle gesture is lost on him for a second before he realizes Murdock isn't talking about a general "here".

"What's going on?" He asks quietly, stroking down to his neck; "Different than normal?"

"It just feels... weird."

He's been drawing again. Not the angry red slashes of last time, thankfully it hasn't gotten that bad, but pages and pages of brightly colored swirls and spirals. It's not a bad thing, definitely not as bad as fighting off the impulse to self-harm, but it's a sign that something's not quite right with his mental landscape.

"I don't think anything's gonna happen, but I'm afraid it might."

Nodding against the top of his partner's hear, Face presses a gentle kiss in his sweaty hair.

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

He means it, that sort of admission scares him a little because he doesn't know what - if anything - he can do to fix things.

He doesn't know what to do either. That's the most frustrating thing about it.

"Maybe just keep an eye on me?"

He gives him a halfhearted smile.

"I know you do that anyway..."

"Always," he replies simply leaning at an awkward angle to kiss him.

"You sure you're okay with me taking this job? It'll keep me away a few nights a week until late."

"We need the money."

That's definitely the case. It wasn't easy to find a job that was willing to pay under the table, and it seems to suit him well enough.

"Besides, you'd go stir-crazy with nothin' to do besides watchin' my back."

"If it's not gonna work out for you, I'll find another way." There's always another way, it may not pay as well or be as legal but he'd work something out before it was a problem.

"You're more important."

"It's okay."

He leans back, the soft glow of the nightlight casting long shadows over them both.

"If things get bad, you might not wanna be around."

He's had manic episodes that turned violent in the past. They're rare for him, but it could happen.

"You kidding?" Both eyebrows arch together, "If something happens the only place I wanna be is with you."

He means it when he says he wants to protect Murdock, even from himself.

He sits up, wrapping his arms around his knees.

"I don't want to hurt anyone."

Murdock pulling away is about the last thing he expects, but he plays it cool - letting him have his space.

"Me neither, and I don't want you to get hurt. If that means taking a couple punches that's fine."

"It's not fair that you have to deal with that."

This should be a happy, relaxed time in their lives. This isn't fair to either of them.

"And it's fair that you have to deal with my baggage?" He forces himself to sit up, sheets pooling around his waist, and reaches to settle his hand at the center of Murdock's back.

"Life's not fair."

He doesn't flinch away from the touch, which is a good sign.

"I'm just tired of worryin' about it, y'know? Even on the good days it's there in the back of my head... What if the meds stop working, what about the side effects, what if somethin' happens and you can't get me more when I need 'em..."

He shakes his head.

"It's just always there."

Rubbing to his side, Face lets himself gently squeeze him before scooting closer and wrapping both arms around him protectively.

"We'll deal with that stuff when we have to..." he whispers, kissing his ear. "Right now, we just gotta deal with what's already on our plate. Keeping ourselves fed and clothed and happy. Right?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

He leans into him, accepting the loving comfort.

"It just sucks bein' afraid of yourself."

"Hey... we all got something..." he murmurs softly, squeezing him even tighter.

"I'm afraid of myself too... hell, you've seen what happens when I don't have my head on straight."

It really is strange sometimes, how their broken pieces fit together.

"Can you do me a favor and talk to me til I fall asleep again?"

Like a pair of jigsaw puzzles that somehow fit together to make a bigger picture.

"Sure," he leans back toward the bed, taking Murdock with him. "What do yay wanna hear about?"

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