Picking Up The Pieces

[notthatcrazy]

It's been a month since the Vegas Incident (as he's taken to referring to it, mental capitalization and all) and to an outsider, it wouldn't seem as though there was anything different about them at all.

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) their teammates know them better than that. Hannibal's already pulled him aside once to give him the "letting your personal business affect the job" lecture, and he knows he's not above firmer measures. BA's been mostly supportive underneath their usual bickering, but he can tell he's worried as well.

As the morning dawns, he wakes from an unsettling dream to arms wrapped around him.

"Face... you gotta move."

Comments

[notthatcrazy]

"There's a difference between trustin' someone with your life and trusting them with your heart."

He shakes his head.

"Jesus, that sounds like some crappy self-help book, but you know what I mean."

His voice cracks a little.

"I don't want to lose this, but you have to meet me halfway here."

[notjustaface]

The crack kills him a little and he wants to turn back to him - he wants to try and fix everything. But he has no idea how.

"I'm trying, okay? You don't think I'm trying?"

When he does finally turn, he finds himself again staring at his hands - unable to look him in the face. "What do you want from me? You want me to beg? You want me to bring you fucking flowers every day? I will! Just tell me what to do and I'll do it."

[notthatcrazy]

It takes a long time for him to answer.

"You know what I want?"

He scrubs a hand across his face, trying to keep his voice steady.

"I want you to hold me and watch stupid Muppet videos with me without judging me for being a complete mess. I want you to call me the love of your life like it's so true you don't even have to think about it."

He turns away from him again, clinging to the crappy hotel pillow.

"I want that back."

[notjustaface]

"It never left," he answers quietly, swallowing hard.

"I love you, man... you've got to know that. I wouldn't still be here if I didn't."

[notthatcrazy]

"A minute ago you said you wanted to leave."

He knows there's still love there. That's not the issue. The issue is what they do with it from here.

[notjustaface]

"I want to stop playing this game where we don't talk to each other and all we do is feel like shit."

He rubs the scar harder, almost like a focus where Hannibal knocked some sense into him.

"I don't want to go, but if it's for the best then maybe... maybe I should. If we can't fix this then why the fuck are we still trying?"

[notthatcrazy]

"What do you think I've been asking you for?"

He knows it's at least half his fault, he's never been in a situation like this and he's completely awful at knowing what to do about it.

"I'm not ready to give up."

[notjustaface]

"Honest truth?" He sighs; "I don't fucking know. I don't know what you want from me because apologizing sure isn't cutting it."

Pacing toward his open bag, he digs in for a fresh shirt and finds the chain and rings still staring him straight in the face.

"If I could take it back, you know I would - but I can't. All I can do is make promises we both know I can't be sure I'll keep."

[notthatcrazy]

He clings a little tighter to the pillow.

"Tell me you love me again. Please?"

It won't fix much... if anything, but he's still confused and hurting and he needs to know that they at least have that.

[notjustaface]

Holding tight to the rings, he turns back toward the bed - kneeling beside him.

"I love you. You know I do. Even back when I was still such a fucking shit that I slept with anyone I had a chance with and came home to my best friend that I fucking knew was in love with me... maybe not consciously, but I knew..."

His hand shakes and he squeezes it tighter around the warm metal - around what he knows it means to Murdock. What it should have meant to him... what it maybe did mean to him.

"I'm a horrible person. I do stupid things and I don't think the way I should..." He reaches out with his empty hand and squeezes Murdock's shoulder. "But don't you ever think for one second I don't love you."

[notthatcrazy]

He finally turns back to face him, resting a hand tenatively on his shoulder.

"Love you too. 'M sorry if I ever made you forget that."

[notjustaface]

He sighs again at the gentle touch, his face softening.

"Never. I just... just don't want this to end worse than it already is. I don't want to hurt you."

His hand unfolds, making a silent offering of the rings - his blood still marking the silver and gold.

"I want to make this right... real." His eyes say even more than his words and he knows it, he'd never outright propose - not like that, not to get out of his fuck up - but he really does want it to be right again.

[notthatcrazy]

He gets the intent behind the gesture, and somehow, though he couldn't say why for the life of him, it feels like exactly what he's been waiting for.

"Baby... we are so screwed up..."

He runs his hand down his arm to cup the one holding the rings.

"But I know I'm better with you, and I think you're better with me."

[notjustaface]

Swallowing back a lump in his throat, feeling the gesture for all that it's worth, he nods slowly.

"Screwed up I can do. It's pretty much all I've got. Screwed up, and you."

He doesn't think for one second he would have made it as long on the run as they have without something strong to hold on to.

"Just promise me this is gonna be okay? That I'm not always gonna have to run a couple miles every time we're close because I want what I can't have?"

[notthatcrazy]

"We'll make it okay. It's just gonna take some time."

He glances down at the rings in his hand, a small smile trying to make itself seen.

"You gonna give those back or what?"

[notjustaface]

Nodding again, he leans in close - slipping the chain around his neck.

But then he lingers, and licks his lips before quietly asking; "Can I kiss you? Would that be okay, just right now?"

[notthatcrazy]

"No."

He looks up at him, eyes softening at the look on his face.

"'Cause I'm gonna kiss you first."

He leans in to press a soft kiss to his lips, keeping light and almost chaste, but with a promise of more to come.

[notjustaface]

For a second, his gut drops and he knows Murdock will see it written on his face - and then for an even longer second, everything feels okay for the first time since that girl let him into the hotel room.

His palm cups Murdock's cheek, holding him well after he breaks away.

"I promise I'm gonna try to make this right again."

[notthatcrazy]

He lets the touch linger. It feels right this time.

"I know. I promise I will too."

It's gonna take the two of them working together, but with the others as back-up there hasn't been anything yet that they can't do.